thatotherperv: (whore)
[personal profile] thatotherperv
so, as you may or may not be aware, I've been shipping the fuck out of Zach Quinto and Chris Pine lately. like, absurd. stupid, giddy feelings. I don't know if I'd ever use the word otp in this context, because there's a certain degree of *rolls on the ground* they beloooonggg together *weeping* that I don't think you can (reasonably) do with actual individuals. but. shipping the fuck out of them. watching interviews with little hearts popping out of my eyes. grinning goofily at gifsets on tumblr. just. full-on fangirl Feelings. even the name squishing that I normally abhor - pinto. isn't that cute?

somebody slap me.

and it's funny how this has brought to the forefront of my mind a lot of Things that I haven't thought about in years.

the other day, meretrix was reminding me about a time in my life where I was dubious about writing rps *studio laughter* I can't remember a time when I was ever seriously against reading it? I was passively consuming btvs rps as soon as I realized it was a Thing. but at one time in my trip down the garden path of shedding my moral compunctions, producing it seemed like a step I couldn't take.

and then I laid eyes on Jeffrey Dean Morgan and like...promptly forgot about whatever reservations I had. no seriously, forgot about them. even now, I can't tell you exactly what they were. I know I had some kind of moral dilemma that I managed to rearrange in such a way that allowed me to write (seriously increasingly dirty and reprehensible) porn, and ever since then, I've been bored with the whole topic, side-eyeing of tinhattery aside. I can't say I expected it to ever rear its ugly head again.

I think the difference between now and then is that as much as I adored the friendships between the three j's, the fact that all three of them publicly identify as straight made it all...pretend? made it (for *me*) so comfortably in the realm of Clearly Make-Believe that there was nothing to feel guilty *about* (as long as no one brought it up in public, god help us all).

I had never really thought about this. I never really felt the need to make assertions that I believed they were Really Just Good Friends, because it seemed self-evident - given that I'm not crazypants. I never really thought about how that landscape changes if one of the actors is out.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it doesn't change things to the point of making me want to change my behavior - let's not go crazy. this is just me rearranging my prejudices, which in this context are wholly selfish and geared towards my own pleasure. but I do get squickier, more uncomfortable pangs of conscience now than I ever did with spn rps.

especially in regards to any assertion that pinto is "canon." *cringe* I mean, there's always been a certain degree of cringe for me with that, but it's less cringy somehow when the cringe is solely second-hand embarrassment over how delusional the asserter is.

it's exponentially cringier when the assertion feels more...plausible. queer-baity, slash-baity flirtation among male actors is everywhere you look now, but 99% of the reason I ship Quinto and Pine is that the fodder, such as it is, feels like genuine affection and respect. there's a little bit of stunty baitiness, but it's the subtler indicators of fondness that make my heart pitter-pat. my own reaction to this reaction is interesting to me - if they both identified publicly as straight, I wouldn't feel the overwhelming need that I do right now to tack the word "platonic" on here.

I had to actually stop and ask myself if this was some bizarre, latent second-hand no-homo reflex that has heretofore never manifested. but the hesitation has less to do with the fact that Quinto came out than it does with other people's *reaction* to his being out. namely, fangirls who seem to feel that him identifying publicly as gay = 50% achievement of otp, and the media...expectation? suspicion? invasiveness? of any close relationship he has with a costar moving forward.

I think if I'd ever seen Pine be defensive or awkward around the subject, I'd feel differently, but the awkwardness that seems to exist is "being asked repeatedly how I feel about my friend's orientation is growing uncomfortable," which...valid. it makes me feel weirdly protective of their relationship, whatever it is.
I don't *know* what it is, it's (imo) not very self-evident, and I don't have the right to wonder or ask (or even write novel-length meta about it, *bangs head on desk*). I don't want to know. their sentence-finishy exasperated/fond, correcty, gently competitive marriedness is precious and special whether or not they want to bang, and I don't want any discomfort about it coming to them from fangirl actions.

and yet I want ALL TEH PORN, ZOMG. it's probably some special kind of insanity to find the porn perfectly acceptable, but a gifset labelled with "CANON!!!" completely squicky. and there's probably no reconciling it logically.

there is one spot where Quinto's sexuality is the direct source of discomfort: I have a deep, guilty, unabiding love of the straight-boy trope. it's never...*particularly* felt problematic before? when you have fictional characters, you can mix and match sexual orientation and sexual histories and swap the assignments around and - by the transitive properties of Clear Make-Believe described above - that always felt true for rps before now as well. I have a *serious* kink for pinto fic where Zach is gay, Chris is straightish, and things happen, but it also makes me SQUIRM in the bad way because...uncomfortably close to reality, and all kinds of ooky stereotypes being assigned to a real person's real realness.

*whispers* but that's part of what makes it so hot.

so I thought I'd be able to work something out by writing this, but instead I just flopped around in my own hypocrisy for a while. yay? at least I can comfort myself with uberlong pinto porn.
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August 2014


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