Dec. 5th, 2013

thatotherperv: (jeff)
so my family doesn't really do Thanksgiving, never has - every year it's just a glorious four-day weekend free of responsibility, where I get to feel kind of sorry for suckers who are obligated to do stuff with a family they don't like (not true for everyone). anyway

my point is, I didn't/don't/never do have that ritual "what are you thankful for" yearly thing. so the timing is kinda funny that a week later, I just got such a profound rush of gratitude and relief.

three or four years ago, I was recovering from major depression and unemployment, and part of that was that I had been chronically overdue on bills for some time, and debt collection calls were nothing new, but suddenly I wasn't numb to it. I had an income, but it wasn't enough to cover everyone that wanted a piece of me rightfuckingnow. I hated the sound of my phone ringing, and I was anxious all the time.

I got it under control, eventually. I've been on track to repair my credit for a few years now, and I don't have to do complicated math to cover my bills anymore (most of the time - Christmas season, on the heels of a root canal for me and dental surgery for Seeley, ugh - my financial security is somewhat based on "no three major problems at the same time" but that's better than Apocalypse Now, right?).

but it's funny how it comes rushing back to you.

earlier today I fielded this call on my business line from the Texas Attorney General's office, and they wanted to speak to payroll - as it turns out, in this small incestuous little business I work for, "payroll" is my brother-in-law who lives on the west coast and does not deign to rise from his bed until noon central, and isn't hooked up to our phone system. so he's not available. I take a message, and they tell me it's in regards to wage garnishment for one of our employees.

cue anxiety so strong it made me dizzy. irrational - I mean, I haven't lived in Texas for years, I don't have any outstanding bills there, I'm current on all my financial obligations, and I no longer ignore mail and phone calls because I just can't cope. but yeah, it took me a good hour to get past the terror of like...is it me? did I forget something? is it still not over?

and now I just feel kind of limp with relief and gratitude that I'm not in that spot anymore. *clutches my little money cushion, thin though it may be*

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