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thatotherpervI went rock-picking with my sister the other day. We hiked down to this little pebble beach and filled up some backpacks with rocks for various parts of their garden they’re in the process of decorating, and it’s the kind of activity that lends itself to introspective discussion. For us, anyway. We’re introspective people, and very much in tune with one another’s thinking.
And the conversation came back to the nature of friendships and the things we expect from our friends, now that we are, by all accounts, Grown-Ups. And two of the things that we cherish most in friends are 1) a level of candidness that disposes of all polite and decorous bullshit, and 2) a desire to handle your own affairs and not drag third parties into your arguments. Those are pretty rare things to come by, especially in combination, but we’ve been lucky enough to find fucking cool people, over the years, that also stand up to these tests. And *those* are the folks that make it in the long run with us.
It all just circles around to things about fandom that have been on my mind lately.
This is what I expect from my friends (RL or OL) in the event that someone injures my feelings…which isn’t all that easy to do in the first place: I expect them to be willing to listen while I sort through my emotions …I expect them, I suppose, to make sympathetic noises at me…I expect them to feel free, if they’re so inclined, to point out how I’m making my life difficult by viewing things in a slanted or otherwise stupid way…and pretty much, the buck stops there. I actually prefer that people *not* be publicly supportive of my “side” of a problem, because I’m a grown-up, and I prefer to deal with the person that has hurt me one-on-one, and privately. The more people you get involved in a conflict, the more complicated the resolution of the conflict becomes.
And I guess these expectations explain why that type of support is precisely what I am willing to give back, in the event that my friend is hurting. I’ve had to learn to cope with the fact that I ooze empathy, over the years. I have no shortage of it, and I can usually see the viewpoint of multiple parties involved. I could literally twist myself into pretzels in order to support everyone I feel needs supporting. So, in the event that the shit hits the fan in one of my social groups (RL or OL), and especially if all-out civil war erupts, my reaction is to:
I think there are probably some people who see this as a form of disloyalty…I think to a certain extent, the high-schoolish tendencies of humans to take sides and whatnot is natural anthropologically…we come from a tribal background, and there are good reasons why there will never be world peace. We are not built for it. it’s human nature to squabble and take sides and have opinions and territories and alliances and rivalries and feuds. It’s the nature of the beast.
But it’s not particularly *my* nature, having grown up in a household where I was forced to take sides between my parents from infancy to adulthood. I dislike the whole thing intensely, but I’ve found a certain level of zen with the fact that this is human nature, and it can’t be helped. Just don’t expect it from me, or you’ll be sorely disappointed. There are, indeed, some people that I would be willing to go to bat for…and there are some circumstances that are, for me, cut-and-dry…so I can’t say I will never draw a line in the sand. But the circumstances are rare and the individuals are very few (a handful total, of *everyone* I know), and the chances are slim.
Basically, I try to live under the assumption that my friends are competent, autonomous adults who are emotionally capable of handling their own affairs. I know it sounds crazy and experimental, but it seems to make sense to me. If they prove otherwise…basically it’s no problem of mine. It might sound cold, but it allows me to be warm and loving without wearing myself out. There are some people in this world who will suck you dry of empathy, if you let them. It’s my way of protecting myself from that.
I came here for the fic. honestly, even when I delurked, it wasn’t with the mind to make friends. It was with the intention of sharing in a creative community. Since then, I’ve made friends, which is a wonderful thing. Social bonds are so very important, and it’s become clear to me in the last year that social bonds are particularly important to *me*. I cannot have a happy and fulfilling life without them.
But over the course of your time in fandom, you learn that interacting on a personal level does tend to suck you into the type of fandom politics that are…well…not fun. This place can be as cold and cruel and lonely as it can be warm and supportive. It is a facet of fandom that I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around, how it can be *both* at the exact same time, except to point out that we lose much of the texture and quality of communication by only using words. As an old professor of mine used to say, “primate social interactions” are crucially important to good communication. And it’s hard to really get to know someone without them. You can know someone in fandom for months…years, even…before you feel as though their true nature is revealed to you, which I think, for many, can be a slap in the face. You think you know someone, only to realize that you don’t know them at all. cue fandom civil war.
So, children…I think it’s important to remember: we don’t actually know one another. On an individual basis, some of us do, and it’s wonderful to find *real* friends in cyberspace. There are a few people in fandom that I feel I really grok, but I can probably count them on one hand, and generally operate under the assumption that I don’t know most of the people that I interact with here. I can’t fully vouch for their personalities or quality of character. I can only vouch for whether or not they seem to be a decent human being from the interactions I’ve had with them so far, and whether or not our fandom interests and opinions align.
I highly recommend this approach to your fandom friendships, if you are so inclined. It makes things a lot less surprising and injurious when the shit hits the fan. But I don’t particularly care how you do things either way. This is just the way *I* do things. (see? There I go again, assuming you can manage your own affairs.)
There seems to be a silent…majority? Minority? That’s the problem with silent factions of a population, it’s hard to tell how deep the iceberg goes. anyway, there are some of us in fandom that came here for the real purpose of fandom, and especially lately, I hear more and more from these folks how weary they are. Not just of the particular cases of in-fighting, but the jumping to take sides, and…yeah, the general clusterfuck of it. my flist has cooled considerably in the number of posts, and some very cool people are either not around, or lurking, because they just can’t deal with the bullshit, basically. Which, I suppose, is why I’m making this post. On their behalf, a little. But, most importantly, on my own. Because if I didn’t say all this, I felt like I was going to explode.
In the words of one friend, “it feels like fandom isn’t a place to *play*, anymore.”
And I fully recognize that this process is cyclical, and long-time fandom folks know this is old hat. That kerfluffle comes in threes, as it were. The dust will settle and things will probably move right along to business as usual (until the next explosion), and that this is just the first time *I’ve* been around to see it happen. Some of it springs from the fact that certain people really do just suck, and some of it springs from personality conflict, and some of it springs from differences of opinion, and some of it is just plain old misunderstanding and poor communication and interpersonal skills.
But you know what? I don’t have the time or the energy any longer to sort out which is which. And frankly, I don’t care, either. It could be argued that I should, but again: see, expecting people to handle their own affairs. I suspect…no, I can *guarantee*, that I’m not the only one that feels this way. And I can also guarantee that this kind of frustration is the reason I see tumbleweeds blowing through some of my friends’ journals. Which is sad, but, more power to them.
I’m in the process of redefining my priorities, as a whole. The medication has done its job, and this time with my sister has/is doing a lot to put me back into my normal headspace, and it’s just time to reevaluate. It’s time to return to my regularly scheduled program of being happy and going out and working hard and playing hard and participating in the world. To some extent, fandom has been a nice little cushion against reality while I was in a seriously black place in my life, for which I am infinitely grateful. But it’s shifting to the background now.
Which doesn’t mean I’m leaving it behind.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of creative writing in my life, and my priorities re: that, but that’s a whole nother post altogether. This post is me, reevaluating how I feel about fandom, and my participation in it. Two separate topics, really. And these are the conclusions that I have come to:
Basically, I’ve been spending large chunks of my day on fandom, and I have no desire to do that any longer. I like checking in, dabbling a toe in the water, once a day. Maybe spending a chunk of time a couple times a week.
There are a number of you who already conduct yourselves this way…yall are smart. I’m taking a page from your books :) I think, at this point, it’s the only way that I can continue to participate in fandom and *enjoy* it. because this summer? frankly, has not been fun.
So basically, that’s my new world order. I call it…I-just-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-any-of-this-bullshit, though perhaps it’s more prudent and accurate to call it Perspective. I feel more clear-headed and ME than I have in a long time. and this is me. I’m Perspective Girl. normally. when my feet are planted on the ground. Let’s cross our fingers and hope for no more backsliding, shall we? my ass is sore from all the falling on it.
incidentally, the things I’ve expressed here are directed towards the world at large, not anyone in particular. truly. If there was someone I thought could feel I was talking about *them*, I’ve already spoken with them. It’s something I’ve been chewing on for so long, it doesn’t bear mentioning.
Since some of the topics touched on in this post are potentially wanky, I’m screening comments. All comments to this post will REMAIN screened, even if I reply to you. feel free to say whatever you want, because it’ll be for my eyes only. I probably won’t reply to everyone, simply because I should be spending most of my time in front of the computer writing my thesis. but if I don't, it's not because I think you suck. *smooches everyone*
And the conversation came back to the nature of friendships and the things we expect from our friends, now that we are, by all accounts, Grown-Ups. And two of the things that we cherish most in friends are 1) a level of candidness that disposes of all polite and decorous bullshit, and 2) a desire to handle your own affairs and not drag third parties into your arguments. Those are pretty rare things to come by, especially in combination, but we’ve been lucky enough to find fucking cool people, over the years, that also stand up to these tests. And *those* are the folks that make it in the long run with us.
It all just circles around to things about fandom that have been on my mind lately.
This is what I expect from my friends (RL or OL) in the event that someone injures my feelings…which isn’t all that easy to do in the first place: I expect them to be willing to listen while I sort through my emotions …I expect them, I suppose, to make sympathetic noises at me…I expect them to feel free, if they’re so inclined, to point out how I’m making my life difficult by viewing things in a slanted or otherwise stupid way…and pretty much, the buck stops there. I actually prefer that people *not* be publicly supportive of my “side” of a problem, because I’m a grown-up, and I prefer to deal with the person that has hurt me one-on-one, and privately. The more people you get involved in a conflict, the more complicated the resolution of the conflict becomes.
And I guess these expectations explain why that type of support is precisely what I am willing to give back, in the event that my friend is hurting. I’ve had to learn to cope with the fact that I ooze empathy, over the years. I have no shortage of it, and I can usually see the viewpoint of multiple parties involved. I could literally twist myself into pretzels in order to support everyone I feel needs supporting. So, in the event that the shit hits the fan in one of my social groups (RL or OL), and especially if all-out civil war erupts, my reaction is to:
- see if my friend is ok. Listen to them, and if I think I can offer perspective that will help ease their angst, I tell them what’s on my mind. Even if it’s not what they want to hear. But you know…*gently*. Because they’re my *friend*.
- under some circumstances, explain to the other parties involved why they have their heads up their asses (diplomatically). But only if they’re people I’ve felt respect for historically, and only sometimes. Most of the time, everyone else can go hang themselves, in my opinion. Or you know, play in traffic. I just don’t care. And then I…
- resume my regular life to the best of my ability, stick my fingers in my ears, and pretend everyone hasn’t gone mad. Because inevitably, everyone will.
I think there are probably some people who see this as a form of disloyalty…I think to a certain extent, the high-schoolish tendencies of humans to take sides and whatnot is natural anthropologically…we come from a tribal background, and there are good reasons why there will never be world peace. We are not built for it. it’s human nature to squabble and take sides and have opinions and territories and alliances and rivalries and feuds. It’s the nature of the beast.
But it’s not particularly *my* nature, having grown up in a household where I was forced to take sides between my parents from infancy to adulthood. I dislike the whole thing intensely, but I’ve found a certain level of zen with the fact that this is human nature, and it can’t be helped. Just don’t expect it from me, or you’ll be sorely disappointed. There are, indeed, some people that I would be willing to go to bat for…and there are some circumstances that are, for me, cut-and-dry…so I can’t say I will never draw a line in the sand. But the circumstances are rare and the individuals are very few (a handful total, of *everyone* I know), and the chances are slim.
Basically, I try to live under the assumption that my friends are competent, autonomous adults who are emotionally capable of handling their own affairs. I know it sounds crazy and experimental, but it seems to make sense to me. If they prove otherwise…basically it’s no problem of mine. It might sound cold, but it allows me to be warm and loving without wearing myself out. There are some people in this world who will suck you dry of empathy, if you let them. It’s my way of protecting myself from that.
I came here for the fic. honestly, even when I delurked, it wasn’t with the mind to make friends. It was with the intention of sharing in a creative community. Since then, I’ve made friends, which is a wonderful thing. Social bonds are so very important, and it’s become clear to me in the last year that social bonds are particularly important to *me*. I cannot have a happy and fulfilling life without them.
But over the course of your time in fandom, you learn that interacting on a personal level does tend to suck you into the type of fandom politics that are…well…not fun. This place can be as cold and cruel and lonely as it can be warm and supportive. It is a facet of fandom that I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around, how it can be *both* at the exact same time, except to point out that we lose much of the texture and quality of communication by only using words. As an old professor of mine used to say, “primate social interactions” are crucially important to good communication. And it’s hard to really get to know someone without them. You can know someone in fandom for months…years, even…before you feel as though their true nature is revealed to you, which I think, for many, can be a slap in the face. You think you know someone, only to realize that you don’t know them at all. cue fandom civil war.
So, children…I think it’s important to remember: we don’t actually know one another. On an individual basis, some of us do, and it’s wonderful to find *real* friends in cyberspace. There are a few people in fandom that I feel I really grok, but I can probably count them on one hand, and generally operate under the assumption that I don’t know most of the people that I interact with here. I can’t fully vouch for their personalities or quality of character. I can only vouch for whether or not they seem to be a decent human being from the interactions I’ve had with them so far, and whether or not our fandom interests and opinions align.
I highly recommend this approach to your fandom friendships, if you are so inclined. It makes things a lot less surprising and injurious when the shit hits the fan. But I don’t particularly care how you do things either way. This is just the way *I* do things. (see? There I go again, assuming you can manage your own affairs.)
There seems to be a silent…majority? Minority? That’s the problem with silent factions of a population, it’s hard to tell how deep the iceberg goes. anyway, there are some of us in fandom that came here for the real purpose of fandom, and especially lately, I hear more and more from these folks how weary they are. Not just of the particular cases of in-fighting, but the jumping to take sides, and…yeah, the general clusterfuck of it. my flist has cooled considerably in the number of posts, and some very cool people are either not around, or lurking, because they just can’t deal with the bullshit, basically. Which, I suppose, is why I’m making this post. On their behalf, a little. But, most importantly, on my own. Because if I didn’t say all this, I felt like I was going to explode.
In the words of one friend, “it feels like fandom isn’t a place to *play*, anymore.”
And I fully recognize that this process is cyclical, and long-time fandom folks know this is old hat. That kerfluffle comes in threes, as it were. The dust will settle and things will probably move right along to business as usual (until the next explosion), and that this is just the first time *I’ve* been around to see it happen. Some of it springs from the fact that certain people really do just suck, and some of it springs from personality conflict, and some of it springs from differences of opinion, and some of it is just plain old misunderstanding and poor communication and interpersonal skills.
But you know what? I don’t have the time or the energy any longer to sort out which is which. And frankly, I don’t care, either. It could be argued that I should, but again: see, expecting people to handle their own affairs. I suspect…no, I can *guarantee*, that I’m not the only one that feels this way. And I can also guarantee that this kind of frustration is the reason I see tumbleweeds blowing through some of my friends’ journals. Which is sad, but, more power to them.
I’m in the process of redefining my priorities, as a whole. The medication has done its job, and this time with my sister has/is doing a lot to put me back into my normal headspace, and it’s just time to reevaluate. It’s time to return to my regularly scheduled program of being happy and going out and working hard and playing hard and participating in the world. To some extent, fandom has been a nice little cushion against reality while I was in a seriously black place in my life, for which I am infinitely grateful. But it’s shifting to the background now.
Which doesn’t mean I’m leaving it behind.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of creative writing in my life, and my priorities re: that, but that’s a whole nother post altogether. This post is me, reevaluating how I feel about fandom, and my participation in it. Two separate topics, really. And these are the conclusions that I have come to:
- I want to participate in fandom chiefly for the fic, the art, and the true, canon-oriented meta.
- now that I’ve delurked, I can’t go back to lurking. I like the interaction. I like the hivebrain, when it’s used for good and not evil. But I need to devote my interaction time to chiefly, fic, art, and meta.
- at the same time, I like sharing personal lives with some of you. I’m talking about posts about our *real lives*. it’s *nice* and it’s positive and it’s something I appreciate about fandom…that we can support one another through tough things. That we can share our RL perspectives, because we all come from very different careers and backgrounds and corners of the world, and that can be educational and enlightening and fulfilling. So it’s not as though I want to become all “business.”
- but that basically, fandom needs to have less of my heart, my energy, and my time. It served a purpose for me, being that wrapped up in fandom, but it was perhaps a mistake, and certainly not something I can continue. Nor do I want to.
- that I basically need to pretend metafandom, fandom_wank, and all slam journals just don’t exist, as amusing as they can be when they’re Someone Else’s Problem. not only is it bad karma, but it brings consciousness of the kinds of dynamics that I sincerely want no part of. Some ‘wank’ can introduce interesting ideas, and I should post sometime how I see the role of ‘shared meaning’ in why we wank. It’s on my to-do list. But most wank, and all kerfluffle…really, count me the fuck out.
- and finally, basically, when it comes to what you produce, I don’t care who you are. If it’s good, it’s good. if it’s not, it’s not. I sorta miss the days when I saw the *fic*, not the writer. Back when I was a wee lurker and read my fic waist-deep in the snow. *g*
Basically, I’ve been spending large chunks of my day on fandom, and I have no desire to do that any longer. I like checking in, dabbling a toe in the water, once a day. Maybe spending a chunk of time a couple times a week.
There are a number of you who already conduct yourselves this way…yall are smart. I’m taking a page from your books :) I think, at this point, it’s the only way that I can continue to participate in fandom and *enjoy* it. because this summer? frankly, has not been fun.
So basically, that’s my new world order. I call it…I-just-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-any-of-this-bullshit, though perhaps it’s more prudent and accurate to call it Perspective. I feel more clear-headed and ME than I have in a long time. and this is me. I’m Perspective Girl. normally. when my feet are planted on the ground. Let’s cross our fingers and hope for no more backsliding, shall we? my ass is sore from all the falling on it.
incidentally, the things I’ve expressed here are directed towards the world at large, not anyone in particular. truly. If there was someone I thought could feel I was talking about *them*, I’ve already spoken with them. It’s something I’ve been chewing on for so long, it doesn’t bear mentioning.
Since some of the topics touched on in this post are potentially wanky, I’m screening comments. All comments to this post will REMAIN screened, even if I reply to you. feel free to say whatever you want, because it’ll be for my eyes only. I probably won’t reply to everyone, simply because I should be spending most of my time in front of the computer writing my thesis. but if I don't, it's not because I think you suck. *smooches everyone*
