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thatotherperv[NOTE: I have come to the conclusion that this fic is never going to actually be completed. But I’m opting to share the remaining pieces I had written, and explain where the story *would* have gone, because folks expressed interest and I know sometimes that’s all I can ask for if someone decides to abandon a fic. I just want to know where it was *supposed* to go, especially if I couldn’t understand how the thing could end myself.]
The idea of this fic was to use the kink as a window into the emotional development of their relationship. This is, I think, the ultimate reason why I abandoned it. it just doesn’t really fit my style so much any more, and it’s just *so* much sex. Which, you know, yay, but it feels kind of forced to me. The problem is that when I started this story, it was meant to be a substanceless pwp. But then the characters grew lives of their own and all this lovely angst and emotion started happening…if I were to do it all over again, I would have focused more on that as soon as I realized it was developing, rather than trying to do both. Not that I think it would have been horrible, the way I was planning it, but it didn’t do the greatest service to the story I was trying to tell.
And I do believe in the story I was trying to tell, ultimately. The story it turned *into*, which is why I feel some loss for leaving off. it’s a story about two people who, in another time and place, might have been really happy together, but circumstances dictate that that’s just *not* how it can be. Period. It’s about that time in a girl’s life when she discovers that her sexuality actually has *power* that she can wield, and for the first couple years wields it very foolishly and in a way that causes her more pain than joy. it’s about that deceptively-good-but-self-destructive relationship where the girl deludes herself about how well she can separate great sex from the growing love she feels. I think that’s a common experience of a lot of young women…both the sex-wielding and the delusion. Not necessarily linked, but they both come together in this story to just create a train wreck. And it’s about a guy who isn’t a bad guy, but he ends up seriously hurting this girl at this fragile time in her life. Not because he’s evil, but because his love/lust makes him even more short-sighted than he’s naturally inclined to be, and he sees what he wants to see, and he makes assumptions about the girl’s maturity that she couldn’t hope to live up to.
Basically, it’s a story about how an affair with a teenager, about how a large age difference, can go horribly wrong for all parties involved, even when there’s genuine affection and the best of intentions. And that’s why I knew that this story could never end well. the problem was that for the spuffy ship (and *especially* in human AU spuffy), that’s typically not what people want, and I realized that pretty early on. A lot of people seemed to expect it to veer towards a happy ending that to me wasn’t possible.
I’m getting off-track, I think. But that’s what this story was for me. Eventually I hit on a way to marry my needs and the reader’s needs, with an epilogue. Which was already written, so I’ll go ahead and post that.
Anyway, if I had written the rest of this fic, it was meant to go like this.
That visit from Angel and the long weekend away was sort of a turning point for both Spike and Buffy. Moreso for Spike, since Buffy’s turning point was most about kidding herself over her feelings. Well, they’re both kidding themselves, really.
Because Spike takes Buffy’s claim that it’s just sex a little more at face value than he should. He lets his guard down a bit, stops feeling so guilty about the emotional affair he’s having with her. And once he does that, it really *does* become more of an emotional affair for him. not that it wasn’t before…it started being that before he even touched her sexually, but he becomes more invested in it. and he justifies it to himself a little more easily. In fact I had a moment planned where Spike and Buffy were having sex somewhere in the kitchen or living room or something, and Spike sees Dru watching them…previously, he only would have had sex with Buffy when Dru wasn’t home, but he sees her and feels no guilt, and just keeps right on with what he’s doing and eventually she walks away. He starts cheating on their rules, see. Doesn’t really admit to himself what he’s doing, but he stops holding himself back from doing it. no real guilt, no more real internal dialogue with himself on the matter.
Meanwhile, Buffy is *all* internal dialogue, because she’s constantly trying to convince herself that this all means nothing. That all these little signals she’s getting from Spike don’t mean what she thinks they mean, and that she doesn’t care anyway because it’s just sex, and that is *is* just sex and she’s capable of handling that, and…well, yeah, you get the idea. It’s a very self-destructive sort of thing, but it’s deceptive because he makes her feel so good about herself, in a lot of ways. His feelings for her are genuine and he treats her respectfully and like she’s *somebody* (aside from the fact that they’re doing this at all…it’s a contradiction…it was always meant to be a contradiction), and he believes in her potential, in who she could become, at a time in her life when she’s not getting that kind of affirmation from anyone, and when she can’t see her own worth at all by herself.
And he’s not just putting her on and feeding her lines for the sex. It’s real. Which is what makes this whole thing so *painfully* fucked up for everyone involved, and what will keep her head turned around about this relationship for years, because she’ll never quite be able to believe that he was just an asshole. That’s the other thing this story was about. It’s about that most painful growing-up lesson of all. that good people do horrible things. That real love really can REALLY hurt.
So anyway, you can see the downward spiral. The whole thing was an exercise in masochism for everyone involved. Including me, because writing that kind of angst isn’t really fun. For me, anyway.
The sort of emotional turning point when they finally realize and sort of freely admit that they’re in love was meant to be the first time they have anal sex. I had written part of that already:
…………………………………………
“I’m a little nervous.”
The girl seemed more than a little. She jittered around the kitchen, avoiding his eyes, and when he touched her, she jolted skittishly. She was hardly the brazen little chit of the last several weeks.
“Buffy. Pet.” When she still refused to turn his way, he turned her himself, backing her against the kitchen counter. Stepped in close and lifted her chin with two fingers until her eyes met his. “We can call this particular idea off, if you’ve changed your mind. I never want to make you do something you’re not sure of.”
Her cheeks pinkened. “No. No, I’m sure. I want to. I’m just…a little. Scared? I’ve just heard that it hurts too much, the first time.”
Spike studied her. “You’ve liked the toys, yeah?”
A naughty little smile bloomed on her face, in contrast with her blush. “Yeah. The toys are very much of the good.”
“Yeah, I know they were,” he purred, moving closer to kiss her throat. His mind flickered back to their last bondage session and he groaned, rubbing himself against her before remembering he had a point.
“A lot of people, kitten, they don’t know what they’re about, yeah? Bloke sees an anal porno or twelve and he convinces his girl, and they jump right to it without much preparation. With women, it’s best if you build up to it…not just in one night. Fingers, toys….”
“And we’ve been doing that,” she murmured, understanding softening her tense face.
“Mmmhhmmm.” Buffy relaxed against him now, and her mouth yielded when he kissed her. When he finally eased back, he couldn’t fight back the teasing smile. “So really, you should be grateful you’re fucking such a knowledgeable sex god as myself, and getting down on your knees in worship of one so kind and benevolent and amazing in the sack….”
She lit up with laughter, smacking him in the shoulder. “I don’t know about sex god. Minor diety, maybe.”
“Mmm. Well as long as I have my own temple, I suppose that’s alright then. Don’t need all those silly sods traipsing to and fro anyway: O Mighty Spike, how do I pleasure my bint? O Merciful One, where might I find the clitoris? Bloody exhausting, that. More time for the important things this way.”
“Important things? Do tell.”
Buffy’s body was loose and warm with laughter, eyes bright now. Spike dipped his head to worship her neck, hands slipping around her to press her closer. She shuddered when his hand worked down the back of her panties, middle finger pressing against her hole. His tongue worked over her ear as he pushed through the resistance, tight ring of muscle clinging tenaciously to his fingertip.
Oh, Christ, he was hard.
“Like taking excellent care of this. Going to be so brilliant, luv, I swear. Might even bump me up from the minor category, when we’re all said and done.”
Buffy laughed weakly against him. “Well, when you put it like that…what are we waiting for?”
~*~*~*~*~
[er, stuff I never wrote]
Spike eased himself inside, so slowly he was barely moving. Even after all their play, her muscles squeezed at him fitfully. Buffy was making soft noises of discomfort, and he wrapped her up tighter in his arms.
He came to a halt, buried deep. Fuck, she was so small. It was too good, and he was shaking just a bit as he pressed a kiss onto the damp skin of her shoulder. He breathed in hot puffs of air across her skin, hand stroking her lower belly.
“How are you, luv?”
There were a few moments of quiet breathing before she answered. “I’m not…bad. But I’m definitely still waiting for the brilliant part.”
Spike chuckled, strained, petting the body molded against his front. They fit together so tight—everywhere, not just his cock. “Yeah…suppose I’m the only one getting ‘brilliant’ as yet.”
Buffy turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eye, a smile tugging at her lips. Her cheeks were flushed, face a tangle of hope and insecurity. Pretty girl. “That good, huh?”
A joke was on the tip of his tongue, just a bit of teasing to put her at ease, but he found himself swallowing it, unable. Instead he cupped her face and turned it farther towards him, not willing to close his eyes right away as he met her for a kiss. The sweet rub of lips built into something deeper as he stroked his hands over her body. Buffy’s skin was a little slick with exertion, soft, and the pleading little noise she made as she melted and relaxed tugged at his chest.
Spike reckoned he’d never understand how one tiny girl could make him feel so foolish and desperate.
………………………………
so yeah. and by that time, they’re too deep in it to say “it was never supposed to go this far” and walk away. And in a lot of ways, this turn of events makes things a hell of a lot worse, because now Spike really *is* sneaking around. he feels like a liar, and part of him really doesn’t care. You can justify anything when the motivation is big enough.
And then comes the breaking point. For Buffy, I guess the breaking point is when it becomes clear that this is wrong and in no way good for her, and for Spike, I’d say that the breaking point is the same. Realizing how very badly this whole thing has fucked with Buffy’s head…remembering that she’s just a girl. It was supposed to spring from daddykink. Just a spontaneous thing. The kink had been growing, so when Spike busts out with something in the middle of sex, it doesn’t seem shocking, really. Sex between them has always been pretty dirty and intense. Buffy just sort of goes with it, and it’s hot. But then afterwards…ok, we remember that she has big issues with her father right? This is just post-divorce. She pretty much has a nervous breakdown because woah and what was that, and how could she get *off* on that, and it all feels a little too literal even though he’s been anything *but* an actual father figure to her.
And yeah, that’s when Spike has the blood-draining-from-face, ‘holy shit, what the fuck have I been thinking’ moment of clarity.
And he ends it. me and my beta had long conversations about who ended it, him or her, and in the end I decided it had to be him. two reasons. If you remember being a teenage girl in love, you don’t let go for anything as long as those feelings are still there. I really don’t think Buffy would end it, even with how painful it’s gotten. She’d pick herself up, dust herself off and convince herself it was ok. And I think it could drag on like that for quite a while. Just like Angel had to leave Sunnydale, Spike has to be the one to end it. second reason is that Spike is the grownup here, it’s so much easier to see him as theeee perpetrator of this whole wrong thing, and if he ends it, it’s a kind of redemption for him. in a lot of ways, like Chosen was in canon. In As5 when it becomes clear that hell is trying to claim him, we see that his sacrifice was too little too late (arguably), but he makes it anyway, and that redeems him to *us*.
And I really never saw Spike leaving Drusilla. That’s just canon. He would never ever leave her. I firmly believe that, and I could never go there with that story. His fidelity of sorts is one of my favorite traits about him.
So he ends it. and she’s, of course, a mess. Crushed. They have another little while where she’s still working there, and they maybe have a moment where they come to some sort of tentative peace. Not really, but it’s that impossible lets-be-friends goodwill thing that *everyone* in a breakup tries to do way too soon.
She goes home and school starts again. She doesn’t date anyone. He can’t stop thinking about her. He calls her drunk on New Year’s Eve and does that stupid drunk-ex thing that guys sometimes do.
And Buffy hangs up on him without a word. Because now that she’s had distance, *she* had to do that. for herself.
And then there would have been a big “the end” and I would have run and hid from all the shippers because holy shit, I did the unthinkable and ended it in the worst, most angsty place possible, haha. Because I am Satan.
And then there was the EPILOGUE. (which makes it better)
The idea of this fic was to use the kink as a window into the emotional development of their relationship. This is, I think, the ultimate reason why I abandoned it. it just doesn’t really fit my style so much any more, and it’s just *so* much sex. Which, you know, yay, but it feels kind of forced to me. The problem is that when I started this story, it was meant to be a substanceless pwp. But then the characters grew lives of their own and all this lovely angst and emotion started happening…if I were to do it all over again, I would have focused more on that as soon as I realized it was developing, rather than trying to do both. Not that I think it would have been horrible, the way I was planning it, but it didn’t do the greatest service to the story I was trying to tell.
And I do believe in the story I was trying to tell, ultimately. The story it turned *into*, which is why I feel some loss for leaving off. it’s a story about two people who, in another time and place, might have been really happy together, but circumstances dictate that that’s just *not* how it can be. Period. It’s about that time in a girl’s life when she discovers that her sexuality actually has *power* that she can wield, and for the first couple years wields it very foolishly and in a way that causes her more pain than joy. it’s about that deceptively-good-but-self-destructive relationship where the girl deludes herself about how well she can separate great sex from the growing love she feels. I think that’s a common experience of a lot of young women…both the sex-wielding and the delusion. Not necessarily linked, but they both come together in this story to just create a train wreck. And it’s about a guy who isn’t a bad guy, but he ends up seriously hurting this girl at this fragile time in her life. Not because he’s evil, but because his love/lust makes him even more short-sighted than he’s naturally inclined to be, and he sees what he wants to see, and he makes assumptions about the girl’s maturity that she couldn’t hope to live up to.
Basically, it’s a story about how an affair with a teenager, about how a large age difference, can go horribly wrong for all parties involved, even when there’s genuine affection and the best of intentions. And that’s why I knew that this story could never end well. the problem was that for the spuffy ship (and *especially* in human AU spuffy), that’s typically not what people want, and I realized that pretty early on. A lot of people seemed to expect it to veer towards a happy ending that to me wasn’t possible.
I’m getting off-track, I think. But that’s what this story was for me. Eventually I hit on a way to marry my needs and the reader’s needs, with an epilogue. Which was already written, so I’ll go ahead and post that.
Anyway, if I had written the rest of this fic, it was meant to go like this.
That visit from Angel and the long weekend away was sort of a turning point for both Spike and Buffy. Moreso for Spike, since Buffy’s turning point was most about kidding herself over her feelings. Well, they’re both kidding themselves, really.
Because Spike takes Buffy’s claim that it’s just sex a little more at face value than he should. He lets his guard down a bit, stops feeling so guilty about the emotional affair he’s having with her. And once he does that, it really *does* become more of an emotional affair for him. not that it wasn’t before…it started being that before he even touched her sexually, but he becomes more invested in it. and he justifies it to himself a little more easily. In fact I had a moment planned where Spike and Buffy were having sex somewhere in the kitchen or living room or something, and Spike sees Dru watching them…previously, he only would have had sex with Buffy when Dru wasn’t home, but he sees her and feels no guilt, and just keeps right on with what he’s doing and eventually she walks away. He starts cheating on their rules, see. Doesn’t really admit to himself what he’s doing, but he stops holding himself back from doing it. no real guilt, no more real internal dialogue with himself on the matter.
Meanwhile, Buffy is *all* internal dialogue, because she’s constantly trying to convince herself that this all means nothing. That all these little signals she’s getting from Spike don’t mean what she thinks they mean, and that she doesn’t care anyway because it’s just sex, and that is *is* just sex and she’s capable of handling that, and…well, yeah, you get the idea. It’s a very self-destructive sort of thing, but it’s deceptive because he makes her feel so good about herself, in a lot of ways. His feelings for her are genuine and he treats her respectfully and like she’s *somebody* (aside from the fact that they’re doing this at all…it’s a contradiction…it was always meant to be a contradiction), and he believes in her potential, in who she could become, at a time in her life when she’s not getting that kind of affirmation from anyone, and when she can’t see her own worth at all by herself.
And he’s not just putting her on and feeding her lines for the sex. It’s real. Which is what makes this whole thing so *painfully* fucked up for everyone involved, and what will keep her head turned around about this relationship for years, because she’ll never quite be able to believe that he was just an asshole. That’s the other thing this story was about. It’s about that most painful growing-up lesson of all. that good people do horrible things. That real love really can REALLY hurt.
So anyway, you can see the downward spiral. The whole thing was an exercise in masochism for everyone involved. Including me, because writing that kind of angst isn’t really fun. For me, anyway.
The sort of emotional turning point when they finally realize and sort of freely admit that they’re in love was meant to be the first time they have anal sex. I had written part of that already:
…………………………………………
“I’m a little nervous.”
The girl seemed more than a little. She jittered around the kitchen, avoiding his eyes, and when he touched her, she jolted skittishly. She was hardly the brazen little chit of the last several weeks.
“Buffy. Pet.” When she still refused to turn his way, he turned her himself, backing her against the kitchen counter. Stepped in close and lifted her chin with two fingers until her eyes met his. “We can call this particular idea off, if you’ve changed your mind. I never want to make you do something you’re not sure of.”
Her cheeks pinkened. “No. No, I’m sure. I want to. I’m just…a little. Scared? I’ve just heard that it hurts too much, the first time.”
Spike studied her. “You’ve liked the toys, yeah?”
A naughty little smile bloomed on her face, in contrast with her blush. “Yeah. The toys are very much of the good.”
“Yeah, I know they were,” he purred, moving closer to kiss her throat. His mind flickered back to their last bondage session and he groaned, rubbing himself against her before remembering he had a point.
“A lot of people, kitten, they don’t know what they’re about, yeah? Bloke sees an anal porno or twelve and he convinces his girl, and they jump right to it without much preparation. With women, it’s best if you build up to it…not just in one night. Fingers, toys….”
“And we’ve been doing that,” she murmured, understanding softening her tense face.
“Mmmhhmmm.” Buffy relaxed against him now, and her mouth yielded when he kissed her. When he finally eased back, he couldn’t fight back the teasing smile. “So really, you should be grateful you’re fucking such a knowledgeable sex god as myself, and getting down on your knees in worship of one so kind and benevolent and amazing in the sack….”
She lit up with laughter, smacking him in the shoulder. “I don’t know about sex god. Minor diety, maybe.”
“Mmm. Well as long as I have my own temple, I suppose that’s alright then. Don’t need all those silly sods traipsing to and fro anyway: O Mighty Spike, how do I pleasure my bint? O Merciful One, where might I find the clitoris? Bloody exhausting, that. More time for the important things this way.”
“Important things? Do tell.”
Buffy’s body was loose and warm with laughter, eyes bright now. Spike dipped his head to worship her neck, hands slipping around her to press her closer. She shuddered when his hand worked down the back of her panties, middle finger pressing against her hole. His tongue worked over her ear as he pushed through the resistance, tight ring of muscle clinging tenaciously to his fingertip.
Oh, Christ, he was hard.
“Like taking excellent care of this. Going to be so brilliant, luv, I swear. Might even bump me up from the minor category, when we’re all said and done.”
Buffy laughed weakly against him. “Well, when you put it like that…what are we waiting for?”
~*~*~*~*~
[er, stuff I never wrote]
Spike eased himself inside, so slowly he was barely moving. Even after all their play, her muscles squeezed at him fitfully. Buffy was making soft noises of discomfort, and he wrapped her up tighter in his arms.
He came to a halt, buried deep. Fuck, she was so small. It was too good, and he was shaking just a bit as he pressed a kiss onto the damp skin of her shoulder. He breathed in hot puffs of air across her skin, hand stroking her lower belly.
“How are you, luv?”
There were a few moments of quiet breathing before she answered. “I’m not…bad. But I’m definitely still waiting for the brilliant part.”
Spike chuckled, strained, petting the body molded against his front. They fit together so tight—everywhere, not just his cock. “Yeah…suppose I’m the only one getting ‘brilliant’ as yet.”
Buffy turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eye, a smile tugging at her lips. Her cheeks were flushed, face a tangle of hope and insecurity. Pretty girl. “That good, huh?”
A joke was on the tip of his tongue, just a bit of teasing to put her at ease, but he found himself swallowing it, unable. Instead he cupped her face and turned it farther towards him, not willing to close his eyes right away as he met her for a kiss. The sweet rub of lips built into something deeper as he stroked his hands over her body. Buffy’s skin was a little slick with exertion, soft, and the pleading little noise she made as she melted and relaxed tugged at his chest.
Spike reckoned he’d never understand how one tiny girl could make him feel so foolish and desperate.
………………………………
so yeah. and by that time, they’re too deep in it to say “it was never supposed to go this far” and walk away. And in a lot of ways, this turn of events makes things a hell of a lot worse, because now Spike really *is* sneaking around. he feels like a liar, and part of him really doesn’t care. You can justify anything when the motivation is big enough.
And then comes the breaking point. For Buffy, I guess the breaking point is when it becomes clear that this is wrong and in no way good for her, and for Spike, I’d say that the breaking point is the same. Realizing how very badly this whole thing has fucked with Buffy’s head…remembering that she’s just a girl. It was supposed to spring from daddykink. Just a spontaneous thing. The kink had been growing, so when Spike busts out with something in the middle of sex, it doesn’t seem shocking, really. Sex between them has always been pretty dirty and intense. Buffy just sort of goes with it, and it’s hot. But then afterwards…ok, we remember that she has big issues with her father right? This is just post-divorce. She pretty much has a nervous breakdown because woah and what was that, and how could she get *off* on that, and it all feels a little too literal even though he’s been anything *but* an actual father figure to her.
And yeah, that’s when Spike has the blood-draining-from-face, ‘holy shit, what the fuck have I been thinking’ moment of clarity.
And he ends it. me and my beta had long conversations about who ended it, him or her, and in the end I decided it had to be him. two reasons. If you remember being a teenage girl in love, you don’t let go for anything as long as those feelings are still there. I really don’t think Buffy would end it, even with how painful it’s gotten. She’d pick herself up, dust herself off and convince herself it was ok. And I think it could drag on like that for quite a while. Just like Angel had to leave Sunnydale, Spike has to be the one to end it. second reason is that Spike is the grownup here, it’s so much easier to see him as theeee perpetrator of this whole wrong thing, and if he ends it, it’s a kind of redemption for him. in a lot of ways, like Chosen was in canon. In As5 when it becomes clear that hell is trying to claim him, we see that his sacrifice was too little too late (arguably), but he makes it anyway, and that redeems him to *us*.
And I really never saw Spike leaving Drusilla. That’s just canon. He would never ever leave her. I firmly believe that, and I could never go there with that story. His fidelity of sorts is one of my favorite traits about him.
So he ends it. and she’s, of course, a mess. Crushed. They have another little while where she’s still working there, and they maybe have a moment where they come to some sort of tentative peace. Not really, but it’s that impossible lets-be-friends goodwill thing that *everyone* in a breakup tries to do way too soon.
She goes home and school starts again. She doesn’t date anyone. He can’t stop thinking about her. He calls her drunk on New Year’s Eve and does that stupid drunk-ex thing that guys sometimes do.
And Buffy hangs up on him without a word. Because now that she’s had distance, *she* had to do that. for herself.
And then there would have been a big “the end” and I would have run and hid from all the shippers because holy shit, I did the unthinkable and ended it in the worst, most angsty place possible, haha. Because I am Satan.
And then there was the EPILOGUE. (which makes it better)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 09:47 pm (UTC)i think your plans were fearless and "holding a mirror up to nature."
I'm so glad you think so. *squish*
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 06:08 pm (UTC)well as much as i'm a spuffy fan, i'm an even bigger fan of honest emotional journeys - in whatever form those take. your story needed the path the you laid out for it, and whatever those folks on sr might say, it would have been wrong to artificially tack on a happier or more fluffy ending. that wouldn't have been right.
I'm so glad you think so. *squish*
well i think it's downright convenient that you agree.*g* i discovered last night that my fiance already owned lakoff's "don't think of an elephant" so i read it last night. very good and thought provoking. i like anything that might lead to intelligent and communicative discourse.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 08:21 am (UTC)You know where I stand and against all hopes I believed in a spuffy ending but I did read your explanations ( not the epilogue though , my heart wouldn't bear the pain)
I will just go back in my little corner as crushed as Buffy. :sobs:
I think I shouldn't have tried to discover all this this morning , I wasn't in a good emotional state.::whimpers some more::
I'm not very rational when it comes to Spike loving Buffy and somehow I want to think it can be good for them to be together , but know that I appreciated you posting the main lines ending the fiction, Mel.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 12:29 pm (UTC)and oh sweetie! the epilogue actually makes things better. it doesn't slap a perfect happy ending on with weddings and babies because that would ring false, I think, but it gives some hope for a future for the two of them together. it gives them a second chance to get it right. might wanna check it out if you feel that icky about the whole thing.
*snuggles you* sorry I angsted you out. *pets* the epilogue really does make things better. I know you're a romantic when it comes to these two *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 12:51 pm (UTC)read the epilogue. hopefully it'll make you feel better. it's stilted and probably would have gone through 4 or 5 revisions, but yeah. you'll get the gist. and if it *does* make you feel better, let me know so I can feel like less of a meanie-head. ha.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 02:14 pm (UTC)You have followed your mind and heart in regard of what was better for your Spike and Buffy and it is right.
I 've read with great interest how you 've come to the conclusion that , at that time of their life , with Buffy so young and Spike faithful in heart to Dru, nothing positive couldn't come of a relation based on wild lust.
I promise you that I will read the epilogue , I trust you.
Maybe not today though, for I'm not in a very good place fandom wise , but I WILL read it and share my thoughts with you, no matter what.
You're a fabulous writer , and my only regret is that Spike/Buffy isn't your OTP. :) I envy your Spangel readers , they're damn lucky to have you, giving justice beautifully to their pairing.
::hugs you back, not-meanie-head-you::
no subject
Date: 2007-08-29 02:38 pm (UTC)aww, fandom blues? just the typical, or something specific? it seems like everyone has fandom blues lately. or at least, I'm guessing, giving the quietness of lj.
thanks for the trust, darlin. that's the best gift you can give a writer, I think, or the best compliment. and also this:
You're a fabulous writer , and my only regret is that Spike/Buffy isn't your OTP. :) I envy your Spangel readers , they're damn lucky to have you, giving justice beautifully to their pairing.
that's a very sweet thing to say.
I imagine I'll probably write spuffy again some day. I don't know if I'll ever launch into a big wip, because honestly, I'm not sure I can *finish* something big and long. I do have a couple things sort-of in the works, though I can never tell what will pan out. I have in mind a series of unrelated human AU pwp one-shots I'd call Subversive Spuffy, where I play with their typical roles in an unconventional way. some of them would be shippy, some of them would be not, but no real angst so much as porn that is sometimes just ships passing in the night. which I know with spangel I always conclude in my own head that the ships end up docked together "off camera" :)
the other two big spuffy-ish things I have in the works are both sort of threesomes with Angel. one of them post-nfa big saga, all the pairings represented equally. the other sort of AU...spike and buffy are the romantic pairing...spike is buffy's teenage boyfriend but it turns out she's the slayer, and then Angelus turns Spike to fuck with Buffy and it's a whole thing but it has a happy spuffyish ending.
I don't know if I'll ever write them picket fences, because you're right, that's not *my* spuffy, and there's already so much picket-fence spuffy out there. I have nothing against them being happy together, truly, but I feel like if I'm going to write it, I'm going to contribute something that not many people produce.
I'm totally babbling. point is, thanks for all your support even though I have a completely different vision of the ship. I hope I can do it justice for you regardless. *hugs tight*